Its weird how no one really knows what is going on in your head, not even if you tell them in great detail.  Whats even worse is no one can feel the things you do, or you theirs. So even tho we say we feel these 'things' how can we be sure we are feeling the same stuff?  Where is the guide book that tells you what each emotion is, how it feels and how we should react or if we should react at all.

Anyways im not here to mong on about emotions, that just popped into my head as i was typing and it distracted me

I confess i am very easily distracted at the moment... well i probably am normally but im noticing it alot more lately. Ive been trying to keep a check of where my head is at just out of curiosity... am i happy up, mega down, manicly hyper, angry, fidgity, lost?? Hmmm.

Thats where the no one knows whats going on in your head came from....

I get days where i feel 'toxic' i know what that feels like and means to me, but you try explaining that to someone else un they look at you with a rather funny expression See unless you also get 'toxic' days then yes i can see how it wouldnt make much sense.

How do i explain 'toxic'? Well the dictionary does a pretty good job of summing it up

To feel like you are toxic to others, is, in short nasty! Its weird when you are off on one cos you dont really recognise it at the time... i guess its also kinda like being like a hermit with weird sh*t going on in ya head! 

Take today for example (i wasnt quite toxic but getting there)... i knew it was gonna be monday (good start lol) i knew i had to do the school run then i had a few hours to myself before i had work, un this is my norm for the first day of the week. *yawn* But Pud woke up with a bad belly so she stayed off school un i called in to work cos i wouldnt be in.  So she chilled in bed un i got up had a brew, went on the computer (a rare morning treat) un felt like yeah ok i have stuff i can do about the house me un Pud will have a lazy day.  But what happened...

i started tidying the spare room (which is where the computer is) going thru paper work un bits un bobs that had pilled up, hehe its kind of a store room for tat Un i get into doing that, no biggy...but then this weird dunno what to call it... i guess its a feeling of urgency, pressure, fidgityness comes over me. I then spend the rest of the day trying to tidy the house... but its not tidying, its moving bits from one place to another un it feels like im spinning around un getting nowhere and nothing seems neat or in its right place or ordered un i cant settle or be around Pud cos i need it to be...or feel right.  So the hair twiddling starts...i realised thats a comfort reasurance thing...plus it feels real nice! But you cant get alot done when you are twiddling. (only took me 35years to work that one out haha) Un all i really wanna do is lay on the sofa un comfort my child. Blah. But then the dark comes un it feels ok to sit down un just be happy... the spare room got tidyier, the kitchen got cleaned but the house still felt wrong.  Un yet on a 'normal' day all those bits wouldnt of bothered me, there is no real 'tidy' in our house, i like my mantle piece clutter un my rainforest of plants, the wall of postcards un pics and the table thats always got some kind of half finished piece of art on it! I attract clutter... if i have a clear out, you can guarentee that someone will bring me some stuff  Tiz nice but why does my clearing out create more stuff haha. Un why does the dark of the night bring relief?... hehe or is it safety cos i know i can stay in or that people will be asleep? Hmmm so many ways to think about it!

So why do i get days like that?, how can summit in my brain make me act like a wasp in a jam jar?? Un thats just one of the many things that i 'feel' but to the reader it wont seem that bad cos you arnt in my head... Un Pud just gets on with it and ignores her mad mother!

Right im feeling lighter un brighter now ive off loaded that.. so me and my less of a tango scalp ( yes i just coloured my head...um hair!) but oh so silky hair (i got new posh conditioner ) are going to go to bed and dream of a 'normal' day tomorrow.

Who likes 'normal' anyways eh?

Big zzzz's Dink.