Ive decided i make a really bad ill person   When i have a major cold i should be wearing a t-shirt that says 'stay away!!' GRRR says Dink!   Im actually too tired un poorly to write anything decent so i found this draft from a 13days ago and felt the need to share....

As i sit here yawning im thinking about what today has thrown at me. 

After a total mentally shattering day yesterday the universe is on top form as usual. A magazine with an article about drains,and 3 faces that were in a heated conversation last night all appeared, 2 of which i haven't seen in ages, those 2 were smiling. My new found stalker didnt show his face which was a blessing!

So today im feeling more confident and relaxed which i haven't felt in weeks.  I was smiley after a lovely text from my mum, hoping i passed on happy vibes...

Been a weird 11months, ive had major highs and lows.

Been in a relationship, had emotions i thort i wouldn't feel again, had unbelievable passion but lost my creativity, had deep feelings for someone but was scared. Felt amazing, so happy. Opened up un felt vunerable.

Felt disgust.

Questioned myself as a mum, and as a person even seeking therapy!

Questioned being judged about my past, felt incredable anger, felt insecure and untrusting, lost my confidence, mistook being wrecked for something else. Got majorly depressed, lost the passion, built a wall. Wondered why i had to change when i liked me, felt confusion, had a soft spot for a pretty face, thort things would be different, but i dont want to be changed.

It peaked thursday night, dont EVER compare me to someone you cant stand and think that its ever going to be ok..... decided i couldnt get on with so much negativity,  lack of support, contradiction, confusion and judgement. Blah blah blah..... 

It drains your spirit

Un shouting in my face brings out my 'im a single mum un if u make me feel threatened with my child around i will fight back'  temper! But then im on high alert anyways what with stalkers un lost house keys!

I found i miss art big style, i miss quiet time in the middle of the night and being happy talking crap cos its fun and doesn't matter if its fantasy. I miss chilling wiv Pud un just having a lazy day putting that list of things to-do to the side.  I miss alot of stuff.... laughing alot. Im gonna really miss the kids! Laughed so hard the other day when i was sledging down a hill with an 11yr old i would of liked as my own! Pud's gonna miss him too, she drew a pic the other day for him un put 'from your sis' on it.... that im gutted about. Gonna miss the dogs cuddles on the sofa un all lol.

Come to think about it writing this is draining.

It makes me think i need to learn to spell!

So im not going to dwell on why my relationship didn't work even tho we gave it a second go.  Ill send myself mad going over and over it, i cant get answers now, i dont even think i want answers anymore. 

Im mentally battered un bruised but ill live, Im sorry that us adults mess with lives other than our own, im sorry if i cant be what others want me to be but i like me...well i like the happy me.  If ya poke me wiv a stick i wouldnt like me either!

So thats about it really...Dinks monging on again! un i not even had a drink hehe.

So im off for sleep un will hopefully get my creativity kick started! Dreampt happy things last night un woke up smiling but then realised its the past un my heart hurt.

So yeah if you read this Mr.P, i do love you but i dont make you happy.  Hoping you find someone one day who will make it all ok.